Every time I try to sit here and write something my mind becomes a blank. I try to think of some way to say what I want to say, to pour out everything going on at the moment, but I can’t think of one. Everything becomes jammed in my brain and I realise I’m fluttering through ideas so quickly that they’re not even fully-formed concepts I can write down, just snatches of feelings or thoughts that are abstract and incomplete, like parts of a sentence.
One idea-turned-monster keeps coming up behind me and swallowing me whole; I’m not allowed to exist. I must stay in my room, I can observe but not interact. I’m a pocket of conciousness in a vast universe. It feels half depressive and half edging into psychosis.
Writing this post is against those rules so I might not be able to publish this. But I need an out. I need another voice in the chaos to stop the rules from binding themselves into place.
I need to get to the doctor so I can get some medication.
But I know if that letter (that I never trusted her to write) isn’t written it’s going to become a more complex process, getting out of this place.
I feel like a failure, being in this place. I should have been better. I should have stood up for myself. My brain chemicals should have fixed themselves. I should be what they want me to be. But I also feel so, so betrayed. What the hell did they think they were doing, leaving me here? Shouldn’t someone know better? Why was leaving me without medication ever a viable solution?
If that letter isn’t written I’m going to ask for a referral back to Nanette. She’ll know what to do and how to fix this. She’ll be angry on my behalf.
I need an out.
You’ll notice I’ve added a trigger warning to this post. I want to go into detail about the weight side of my health in this post, and might discuss a few numbers. I know a number of my friends have disordered eating, so I’ve stuck a warning on this so they can make an informed decision before reading – or not.
I’m currently in the process of writing a big explanation of what Borderline Personality Disorder is from my point of view. It’s going a little slowly because it’s a long post and I lost focus and motivation half-way through, but the nice thing about wordpress is I can just stick it in my drafts and come back to it later.
I’m very aware that reading about my health is probably not the most exciting thing, unless you know me in real life (there’s a few of you out there, hello!) and you have a vested interest in knowing about how happy and healthy I am.
This is not the first blog I’ve kept. I had a livejournal account for a number of years, and since my memory is horrific I used to find it useful to write about this kind of thing because then I could look back every now and then and certain patterns I hadn’t previously noticed would appear.
I’m also pretty aware that there’s nuances to the disorders I have; not everyone, for example, gets while looking at a list of Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms, for example, how much it impacts my day-to-day life and the kind of effort I put into being a happy and cheerful person when someone catches me on the street, or when I go out to see people.
Some people haven’t even realised I have a mental health problem at all until I’ve mentioned it (which is a nice change from even a few years ago, when I could barely hide it if I tried!). There are symptoms of depression you wouldn’t pick up on if you read through a diagnostic manual – the fact that my memory IS this bad is, in itself, a symptom of depression.
Continue reading “Health Update (Trigger Warning: Weight)”
Yesterday I had a Doctors Appointment to get the result of the blood tests I had done last week.
Continue reading “Health Update”
It’s been over a week since I last posted, which kind of annoys me, as I felt like I had a good rhythm of posting once a day going. It’s not like I’ve been out of things to post about, either. Most days I’ve had half an idea of a topic I’d like to post about, and I’ve been fleshing out ideas in my mind.
But this is probably a good a time as any to feature the fact that my health, in general, sucks. I’ve mentioned I’m disabled, but haven’t gone into details.
Continue reading “Mental Health (Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicide)”
The mental patch on my vision, today, is increasing.
Continue reading “Invisible”
I said yesterday I’d post of happier topics. So what pops into what is quickly becoming my new newsfeed?
The American Supreme Court has judged that the constitution guarantees the right to Equal Marriage!
(Ignore the fact that article uses the term “gay marriage” and “same-sex marriage” instead of Equal Marriage).
While yeah, I’m in Scotland (we’ve had “gay” marriage for all of six months now), it’s kind of cool that today we’ve turned another corner towards, you know, actual equality. Now if we could make people call it Equal Marriage instead of Gay Marriage, we’d be on to something.
So while we’re at it, I thought I’d post some things that make feel that “gay” thing in a whole other way. That’s right. I’m talking about HAPPY! (Hey look I made a really bad joke).
Continue reading “Things that make me happy.”
I logged into facebook this morning at 4pm and found, again, that insistence that I provide ID to be allowed to continue to use their service. Only this time there is no week to find it. I’ve used it to say goodbye.
It feels a little like part of my sight is patched out. A constant rectangle on the right-hand side that I can’t access any more. When I open a new tab on chrome, it gives me, below the google search bar, eight of my most commonly used websites; one of them is facebook. I’ve gone there a few times without thinking.
I’m now blind to what my friends are doing or saying. I won’t be invited to events, or informed of meetings.
Continue reading “Thursday”