Today, twitter informs me, marks five years of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, a reboot of Hasbro’s popular line of brightly coloured pony toys for little girls. As a result, people are listing off the reasons they have to be happy for getting into the show, regardless of the demographic it was originally aimed for, under the hashtag, #ThankYouMLP.

On reflection, my list is a little too long to be chopped up into 140 characters. So blog. I buck the trends, baby.

I wasn’t there at the start. A friend of mine got wildly into them, and was involved in starting up a UK-based convention. He asked me to Steward, having worked alongside me on other events, but it fell on my birthday and I’d never watched the show.

The following year, however, I was in a pretty dire place. I was about to become homeless, I was desperately depressed, and I wanted to remind myself I could do something to try and kick the slump I was in. So I messaged my friend, aware another event was coming up but not fully aware of what I was getting myself into, “hey, need a steward?”

“No,” he replied, “I need a crew officer”.

Following an interview on Skype with the companies vice-chairman, who treated me to a long rant on why Rainbow Dash was best pony because loyality (oh Mav), I was fully launched into this slightly insane scheme to kick my depression in the ass. Now, I said to myself, I need to watch this show…

While, on principle, I like saccharine pink, the intro made me cringe, but at this point I was too deep in to back down because of that. The first episode captured me on plot alone, but it was the first of a two-part episode so I had to watch the next, right?

Three seasons went by in a flash. My flatmate wandered in at some point, and I excitedly showed her the first two episodes. She asked me if I was high when I started watching it, then walked out.

Then came my first convention, smack-bang in the middle of my spell living in a hostel. There were fully-grown men wearing plushies on their heads, fantastic elaborate costumes, stands were people sold amazing My Little Pony themed crafts, so much music, and a welcoming group of staff who quickly felt like family.

For a weekend, it truly didn’t matter that I was living out a hostel. I was transported to a magical place where everything was brightly coloured. At the end of the event, so many people came up to me and thanked me for working for the event that my head swam.

I worked for a convention in Finland, and met my partner out there. We sang “Let it Go!” so many times and never got tired of it, and I noticed that everyone smiled when they saw me.

I was promoted to the Board for BUCK, and helped organise the 2014 convention in Manchester Central. Towards the end of the convention I had a small red-and-orange heart thrown at me by an attendee.

I formed a group of friends to go travelling with, they came to Finland with me, and I went to Bath and to Leeds and to Berlin to see them.

I met so many people, so many friends, so many loved ones, I couldn’t name them all.

I met people, musicians and artists and crafters alike, who inspire me on a near-daily basis to be a better artist.

I think when you’re in love, truly, really and devotedly in love, they inspire you to be a better person, for them. And that’s what the brony fandom does for me. I want to turn up to the next convention a better version of myself. I want the next convention to be a heartfelt labour of love so when the attendees turn up, there is a convention full of love and happiness and fun waiting for them.

Thank you, MLP.


I was twelve (Trigger Warning: Weight)

I was reading stories on medium. And one of them started, “I was six when I became fat.”

I was twelve when I became fat. Long brown hair that bleached blonde in the sun and blossoming acne. I’d spent as long as possible ignoring the idea my body was for anything other than walking, for climbing trees and bales, for cycling.

Continue reading “I was twelve (Trigger Warning: Weight)”

I was twelve (Trigger Warning: Weight)

Health Update – Good News!

I just got back from my appointment with the doctor.

The whole thing was utterly nerve-wrecking. I’ve been waking up earlier than usual recently, so I spent most of the morning trying to distract myself with fun art things, then did some research on different medications so I’d have a rough idea of what each medication was when we were talking about them.

Continue reading “Health Update – Good News!”

Health Update – Good News!

Every time I try to sit here and write something my mind becomes a blank. I try to think of some way to say what I want to say, to pour out everything going on at the moment, but I can’t think of one. Everything becomes jammed in my brain and I realise I’m fluttering through ideas so quickly that they’re not even fully-formed concepts I can write down, just snatches of feelings or thoughts that are abstract and incomplete, like parts of a sentence.

One idea-turned-monster keeps coming up behind me and swallowing me whole; I’m not allowed to exist. I must stay in my room, I can observe but not interact. I’m a pocket of conciousness in a vast universe. It feels half depressive and half edging into psychosis.

Writing this post is against those rules so I might not be able to publish this. But I need an out. I need another voice in the chaos to stop the rules from binding themselves into place.

I need to get to the doctor so I can get some medication.

But I know if that letter (that I never trusted her to write) isn’t written it’s going to become a more complex process, getting out of this place.

I feel like a failure, being in this place. I should have been better. I should have stood up for myself. My brain chemicals should have fixed themselves. I should be what they want me to be. But I also feel so, so betrayed. What the hell did they think they were doing, leaving me here? Shouldn’t someone know better? Why was leaving me without medication ever a viable solution?

If that letter isn’t written I’m going to ask for a referral back to Nanette. She’ll know what to do and how to fix this. She’ll be angry on my behalf.

I need an out.

Health Update (Trigger Warning: Weight)

You’ll notice I’ve added a trigger warning to this post. I want to go into detail about the weight side of my health in this post, and might discuss a few numbers. I know a number of my friends have disordered eating, so I’ve stuck a warning on this so they can make an informed decision before reading – or not.

I’m currently in the process of writing a big explanation of what Borderline Personality Disorder is from my point of view. It’s going a little slowly because it’s a long post and I lost focus and motivation half-way through, but the nice thing about wordpress is I can just stick it in my drafts and come back to it later.

I’m very aware that reading about my health is probably not the most exciting thing, unless you know me in real life (there’s a few of you out there, hello!) and you have a vested interest in knowing about how happy and healthy I am.

This is not the first blog I’ve kept. I had a livejournal account for a number of years, and since my memory is horrific I used to find it useful to write about this kind of thing because then I could look back every now and then and certain patterns I hadn’t previously noticed would appear.

I’m also pretty aware that there’s nuances to the disorders I have; not everyone, for example, gets while looking at a list of Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms, for example, how much it impacts my day-to-day life and the kind of effort I put into being a happy and cheerful person when someone catches me on the street, or when I go out to see people.

Some people haven’t even realised I have a mental health problem at all until I’ve mentioned it (which is a nice change from even a few years ago, when I could barely hide it if I tried!). There are symptoms of depression you wouldn’t pick up on if you read through a diagnostic manual – the fact that my memory IS this bad is, in itself, a symptom of depression.

Continue reading “Health Update (Trigger Warning: Weight)”

Health Update (Trigger Warning: Weight)

Mental Health (Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicide)

It’s been over a week since I last posted, which kind of annoys me, as I felt like I had a good rhythm of posting once a day going. It’s not like I’ve been out of things to post about, either. Most days I’ve had half an idea of a topic I’d like to post about, and I’ve been fleshing out ideas in my mind.

But this is probably a good a time as any to feature the fact that my health, in general, sucks. I’ve mentioned I’m disabled, but haven’t gone into details.

Continue reading “Mental Health (Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicide)”

Mental Health (Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicide)