Time (Trigger Warning)

January 31, 2016 candycanesteveanti-depressants, borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, trigger warning1 Comment

I don’t want to go to sleep.

Recently time has been slippery. It twists and turns at the edges, leaving me unsure of where I’m standing. I only have the most tentative grip on what day it is and sometimes I’m caught by surprise. Day after day melds into the last, punctuated only by sleep and food and going to the bathroom.

Sometimes I forget there’s a world outside my flat because I rarely see it. It catches me by surprise the rare times I remember to go outside. When I peer through the peephole in my door it’s a shock that anything exists beyond.

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A bunch of stuff I need out my head.

October 30, 2015 candycanesteveanti-psychotics, Mental Health, self-harm, suicide, The Past, trauma, trigger warning2 Comments

Warning for Suicide and Self Harm Triggers.

I really was trying not to write this post but I need the contents out of my head and written down somewhere. I really have been doing very well recently, and I’m generally pretty happy with my life. This is only a reflection of the last 24 hour period. This is so I move past it, stop crying, and leave it somewhere.

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I was twelve (Trigger Warning: Weight)

October 6, 2015 candycanesteveanti-depressants, anti-psychotics, self-esteem, teenage years, trigger warning, weightLeave a comment

I was reading stories on medium. And one of them started, “I was six when I became fat.”

I was twelve when I became fat. Long brown hair that bleached blonde in the sun and blossoming acne. I’d spent as long as possible ignoring the idea my body was for anything other than walking, for climbing trees and bales, for cycling.

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Health Update (Trigger Warning: Weight)

July 12, 2015July 12, 2015 candycanesteveanti-depressants, anti-psychotics, Art, depression, diet, dissociation, Gender Dysphoria, Genderqueer, headaches, Mental Health, sleep, supplements, thyroid, tmi, Transgender, trigger warning, weight2 Comments

You’ll notice I’ve added a trigger warning to this post. I want to go into detail about the weight side of my health in this post, and might discuss a few numbers. I know a number of my friends have disordered eating, so I’ve stuck a warning on this so they can make an informed decision before reading – or not.

I’m currently in the process of writing a big explanation of what Borderline Personality Disorder is from my point of view. It’s going a little slowly because it’s a long post and I lost focus and motivation half-way through, but the nice thing about wordpress is I can just stick it in my drafts and come back to it later.

I’m very aware that reading about my health is probably not the most exciting thing, unless you know me in real life (there’s a few of you out there, hello!) and you have a vested interest in knowing about how happy and healthy I am.

This is not the first blog I’ve kept. I had a livejournal account for a number of years, and since my memory is horrific I used to find it useful to write about this kind of thing because then I could look back every now and then and certain patterns I hadn’t previously noticed would appear.

I’m also pretty aware that there’s nuances to the disorders I have; not everyone, for example, gets while looking at a list of Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms, for example, how much it impacts my day-to-day life and the kind of effort I put into being a happy and cheerful person when someone catches me on the street, or when I go out to see people.

Some people haven’t even realised I have a mental health problem at all until I’ve mentioned it (which is a nice change from even a few years ago, when I could barely hide it if I tried!). There are symptoms of depression you wouldn’t pick up on if you read through a diagnostic manual – the fact that my memory IS this bad is, in itself, a symptom of depression.

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